Monday, May 17, 2004

Rudy Jones 5: Girls

Rudy genuinely liked girls, and just didn't seem to understand how creepy he was.

He saw one weekend that a female was moving in upstairs from him, so in keeping with a tradition of which I was unaware ("if man moves into a new place, the women are supposed to bring him a cake. If a woman moves in, though, the men are supposed to bring her a book"), Rudy gifted her with a 1st edition copy of Cab Driver, along with a few comments that apparently led to her moving out the following weekend:

"Hi! I'm Rudy Jones, and I brought you a copy of my book, which I made in my room! It's sort of a love story in space, and I thought you might like it 'cause I know you live alone up there! I live downstairs from you, you know, and I can hear you walkin' around up there at night. I live in my back room, though, so it really doesn't bother me--but if you hear a lot of weird noises coming from down there, don't worry about it. It's probably just me printing out more copies of my book! Hey, you don't have a boyfriend, do you? Cause it can be kind of dangerous livin' around here by yourself!"

She left the next weekend. No word on if she took the book with her.

Rudy also spent a lot of time in movie theaters during the summertime, because he lived in his car and it's fuckin' hot in Oklahoma. Plus, when your car is a V8, you can't just let that sucker idle all day. So, Rudy would buy a movie ticket, then spend all day slipping from theater to theater soaking up the a/c and eating gargantuan amounts of popcorn (I've never seen anyone eat so much in my entire life). One Monday, he came to the window and told me that he had "met a girl" at the movies that weekend.

He had met her because she and her friend had sat down next to him in the theater. Now, since there were a lot of empty seats around, Rudy naturally assumed this meant the girl(s) liked him. I know now from some of Zora's posts that this might not necessarily be the case. Anyway, he waited til the lights went down and he was sure she wasn't going to move, then put his hand on her knee. He said she was OK with that, and he was content for a bit. Midway through the movie, though, he began to either rub her knee or slide his hand up her thigh (which gives me the willies just thinking about him doing this, most likely in a company tshirt). This apparently sent the poor girl over the edge. She stood up in a huff, turned right around and looked and him, and said "if you touch me one more time, you'll be leaving here in HANDCUFFS!"

Oh Christ, I thought, how embarrassing for everyone concerned. Then Rudy busts off the punchline (which he didn't even recognize as such, I'm convinced): "I told her 'hey lady, you're never gonna get laid with an attitude like that!'" No word on if he was ejected from the theater, but I'm just glad he didn't make the freakin' news.

I was in a rough period in my life back then, having come out of a 3 year relationship with a lot of resentment for a lot of things, so I was taking a sabbatical from being human by frequenting a lot of the sleazier strip clubs in the city. My stated goal was to find a sexual freak (of which there were a lot) who was also cool and stable (of which I found nary a one, in two years of lookin'). I did, however, get to experience Rudy Jones in a strip club, which almost made up for it.

Rudy and I would occasionally frequent a really bad topless bar called The Midway Club, which wasn't the worst (the worst was PB's, where the dancers would give blowjobs for food stamps), but still pretty gross. It was dark and very smoky and none too clean, and small enough that everyone who came in more than three or four times was known by all the girls and other patrons. Rudy loved the place for the last reason, and really spent a large portion of his disposable income there over the period of a year or so. And if you're living in your car, you've got a lot of disposable income.

Eventually it got too painful to watch, seeing Rudy throwing money around to buy friends and attention, under the sad yet professional eyes of topless girls a little too far gone to make it in one of the bigger clubs. Before that happened, though, I found me a girl who was both a freak and reasonably stable. She taught me two things: I'm really not a weirdo when it comes to sex, and I'm a horrible judge of stability in a woman.

But she liked me, and I liked her, and we both enjoyed watching Rudy rock his way around the bar, buying draft beer and table dances for everyone he could get to sit still ("I like to feel like Hugh Hefner when I come into one of these places," he once told me). After our initial courtship, I talked her into quitting the stripping bit and getting into the bartending bit, which is pretty much how these sort of relationships work, I think. It also put Rudy a safe distance away from her, with a nice big bar between them--so I didn't have to worry about hearing from either of them that she's given him a lap dance.

So by the time her birthday rolled around the second year, we were living together and contemplating a move out of state. Serious stuff, although there were lots of conflicts (of a rather serious nature, if you haven't figured that out, since I'm single now (again)). At any rate, one of the few friends of mine that stuck around, John, decided to rent her a limo for a night of drinking and dancing around town, starting with watching a De la Hoya fight at the club. The birthday girl SPECIFICALLY asked Rudy to ride in the limo, although she insisted he shower before doing so. I was to meet them when I got off work, at the bar where the fight was to be viddied.

Which I did, and then we all proceeded to do what one does when you've got a limo rented all evening: get raucously drunk and go visit all your friends (hi Wayne!). Unfortunately, my girl got mean when she got drunk (another sign that things aren't meant to be), so at the end of the night she sweetly asked for my car keys and basically stole my car. This obviously leaves out a good bit of byplay, but it's not really pertinent to the story. However, it did permit me to do something I always wanted to do, namely, to tell a limo driver "home, James." This was a little of a gamble on my part, since I wasn't sure she'd let me in the house (I was right-I had to sneak around the back, which she forgot had a door as well)...but that's where Rudy and John had parked, so we really had no choice.

We sat there in the dark, sipping cheap beer from cans, pondering how things could go so radically wrong. I personally was wondering if this whole relationship was meant to be, and whether I'd fucked up totally, and whether we'd see a flaming wreck of a truck on the side of the road, probably run up under a cop car.

But Rudy, party champeen he was, couldn't bear for the evening to end on a sour note. "Man, guys," he chirped, "this limo ride was really great! You know what I wanna do? I wanna ride home naked in a limo! Naked in a limo! C'mon, guys, let's all ride home naked in a limo!"

Yes, ladies and gents, I've ridden home naked in a limo. Hey, c'mon, it was dark, and I was drunk and extremely unhappy, so it sort of seemed like the right thing to do. To be perfectly honest, I just dropped my pants, and when we arrived I just pulled them back up and began trying to break into my own house without my neighbors calling the cops on me. Which wasn't easy, mind you, with a drunk blonde hellion screeching at me out the windows.

But our relationship healed, for a bit, and limped along for another six or eight months. When I arrived at work on Monday, Rudy greeted me with his usual cheerful grin and wave, and trotted up to the window. "Wow, man, that was some party Friday night! Thanks for the limo drive, man! You know, I drove back to the hotel (he was attempting to make a living refurbishing computers, for which he needed a bit more stability than his LTD), walked up the stairs, and got all the way to my room before I realized I was still nekkid!"

Finally, Rudy hooked up with some sort of horrible barfly named Stephanie, who as usual was in about four different kinds of trouble (not least of which was someone named "Lamont"). The one that illustrates Rudy's essentially good nature the best, though, was that she had warrants out for her arrest--at the same time Rudy was preparing to sue the living shit out of the police department for false imprisonment and mental anguish. This, obviously, is another story, but I don't know if I'm going to write it just yet. Anyway, Rudy trained for months to represent himself in this court case, and came in every day with a stack of new books along the lines of "law for dummies." He had a serious grudge against the PD, which I can't really blame him about, but one evening he came in and asked me if I'd gotten a call from Bob Macy, the local DA.

Now, this isn't exactly top of the list for things I like for my employees to ask me at the end of the day, but he wouldn't elucidate til Macy hadn't called for about 3 days. As this placed Rudy at the deadline for being able to file his claim, he finally broke down and told me the deal: he's been calling Macy and telling him that he (Rudy) would drop his pending lawsuit against the city (which was going to cost the city several millions of dollars, after all) if Macy would drop the charges against Rudy's girlfriend. Rudy lost the case, ultimately, and the girl left him shortly thereafter. She was last seen hanging around Jamelle Holloway in some sleazy sports bar downtown.

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