Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Minuard Foundation 4: Nationwide

By the middle of the second week, Bob and I were having so much fun that we couldn't help but let our friends in on it. I'd confirmed my hypothesis that people would call strangers if those strangers came up with a good enough gag--my next question was: would they call LONG DISTANCE?

I ordered a second run of flyers, and we spent the week stuffing envelopes and addressing them to everyone I could think of. We also addressed some to various record labels (Moonshine and Wax Trax, if I remember correctly) and people we didn't know in cities like Cincinnati, Des Moines, and Omaha.

My friends were thrilled, and promised to distribute them as widely as they could.

I woke early on Sunday morning to the phone ringing again. Bob was asleep on the couch, so I grabbed it. Immediately I could tell something was awry.

"Minuard Foundation, how may I direct your call?"



"...yesh...how much for the Minuard?"

"I'm sorry, you must be mistaken. We want to have the Minuard adopted--not sold."

"...well, I want to adopt him. now."

I couldn't tell if it was a woman or a man. The voice was deep for a woman, but too...soft...to be a man's. I flashed to Pat on Saturday Night Live. And began to get a knot in my stomach.

"I'm sorry, uh, there's a certain process, certain rules we must adhere to. We're determined that the Minuard have the best home possible, and that means we'll have to interview you, and inspect your home. He needs a large yard to run around in, you understand."

"I want the Minuard, now. You will bring him to me."

A soft grunting began in my ear, as I desperately tried to regain the situation:

"Ma'am," because at this point I was really hoping it was indeed a woman, "these things take time."

"Oh, fuck it," she said, moaning gutturally in my ear, "you'll do. How big are you?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"How big is your...cock?"

"I'm sorry, I don't really feel comfortable answering that question. Is there a number at which I can have my supervisor contact you tomorrow?"




I took a shower before going back to bed.


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